As post bags go, this personal threat from Britian’s most notorious prisoner, Charles Bronson, has to be one of my favourites. Bronson was imprisoned for seven years in 1974, yet his sentence has been repeatedly extended for crimes committed within prison, which include wounding with intent, wounding, criminal damage, grievous bodily harm, false imprisonment, blackmail and threatening to kill. The 2009 film, ‘Bronson’, is a violent biopic of his life.
8
Mar
Letters From A Psychopath
Loaded’s To-Do List
There are many ideas that never get round to being made at Loaded. Here are my top five ‘monkey tennis’ pitches on our to-do list.
1. Shoot a celebrity at a model village. the village have already told us they hate Loaded and no celebrity will travel outside the M25. But it must happen. there are plans to break in.
2. Dean’s Machines. Dean Gaffney tests the latest motors, with Wellard sticking his tongue out the window.
(Fact: Gaffney agreed to this once.)
3. Chico’s Time. Reality TV star Chico models designer watches. (Fact: Chico’s people didn’t return our call).
4. Lenny Henry cover exclusive. When the cover isn’t decided till late in the production schedule, some wag will always suggest Lenny for the cover.
Coverline: Awooga!
(Fact: Awooga was in fact not Lenny Henry’s catchphrase)
5. Jap’s Eye.
Jap Stam’s column on world football. (Fact: this once appeared as a column in 2004). Never to return.
New York Photographs…
I was in New York at the weekend on a story, and I took my camera. Some more snaps available on my Flikr page.
A Sneak Peek Inside Loaded Ukraine
This is their second edition. Like a tricky second album, Loaded’s Ukranian brothers have toiled over this issue. You’ve got to feel the paper stock…pure quality, about twice the thickness of British Loaded. Anyway, it’s always funny to see your work translated into Ukrainian. Enjoy…
'Sexy' coverstar
Back To My Grass Roots
I’ve missed playing Sunday football. The chaotic convey of cars, the water-logged pitches, the tears. Anyway, it was valentines day, so the team I trialled for, London Romans, was missing a few casanovas and I found myself on at left back, versus Falcons.
New England Shirt Revealed!
The new England shirt has been announced in spectacular style, by Kasabian, live on stage in Paris. I was invited last week for a sneak preview of the shirt by Umbro, and have been commissioned by them to write a blog about my opinions, which was very flattering. I’ve just finished it, and it should be online shortly, along with the opinions of various other shirt afficionados.. Watch this space. Meanwhile, here are some photos of the shirt itself. (more…)
Tokyo Photography
Just found these snaps. I much enjoyed my second trip to Tokyo because I was a little bit more prepared for the food situation. And I took my Canon S80.
Why Alex Is Really A Loser
65% of the British public paid 50p to vote for a man who recently starred in a violent rape flick, called ‘Killer Bitch’, to win a television show. Musclebound Alex Reid, who was filmed strangling a woman, later celebrated a cage fighting victory by posing for photographs, both biceps up, with his foot on the head of his unconscious opponent. I seemed to be the only one on the Internet to voice a protest, with the tweet, ‘if Alex Reid wins this, I’m leaving the country’.
It was retweeted back at me countless times, and one Twitterer even offered me a ticket to Iraq, because Alex mysteriously became the nation’s favourite. Vinnie Jones rightly predicted it was, ‘an impossible feat to turn the British public around in just three weeks.’ But you know, I’m all for remarkable comebacks. I love it when the bad turn it round and become the hero. Jones is a case in point. He committed GBH on the football field, chomped the nose of a journalist, and ended Gary Steven’s career, but, remarkably, became an accomplished actor, mellowed out in LA, and turned his attention to acting instead of hell-raising. He loves his wife, whom he nearly lost during the birth of his daughter- a fact he kept away from the Big Brother cameras.
I ghost Vinnie Jones’ column in Loaded, and he’s among a number of our regulars who are born again heroes. Who would have backed Richard Bacon to survive that cocaine scandal? Us Brits seem to love the fallen hero: Knock ‘em down, and build ‘em up again. Jade Goody was a racist and a bully, but in her battle with cancer she somehow vindicated herself to the public.
Which brings me back to Reid. Was this his turnaround moment? No. He simply got paid £100,000 to appear on a television show (remember when CBB used to be for charity?) it ended, and he got the most votes. In three weeks he managed to not cross-dress, not mention his girlfriend (the most hated woman in Britain), and not appear in violent pornography. Fifty pence? Money well spent, after all, he’s giving it all to charity. Isn’t he?
Vinnie To Win…!
I’ll be supporting my columnist and pal Vinnie in tomorrow’s final. I’ll also be bringing my laptop to Elstree because Production Editor ‘Maddy’ is demanding VJ’s column. “He’s two weeks late,” Maddy keeps saying, unaware that Jones has been a bit busy of late. Anyway, enjoy this classic Vinnie Jones limited edition Loaded cover from the 100 covers special.
Loaded LAFTA Awards!
“Loaded has come in for a lot of stick over the years,” said this year’s LAFTA Legend Frank Skinner, “and rightly so!”
It was a quip that summed up the debauchery of the magazine and our annual comedy awards: Take a room full of top British comedians, throw in a Welsh rap collective, pour in endless booze and serve. That was the recipe for this year’s bash…
If you’re interested to see who the winners were, click here!